i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
