she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
