I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
