our cab driver is having phone sex.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
