This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
