why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
