there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
