If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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