I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
