my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i dont even know how to be here
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
