listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
