my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just pee around me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i think my cat just said my name.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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