So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
