Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
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He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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