i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
