i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
