Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
