a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We were destined to go to rehab together
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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