If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
