He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
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I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
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Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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