God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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