my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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