God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
