Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
