i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
