you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
