I forgot how hot balto sounded
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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