I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
