new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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