I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
