So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm passing your future prison.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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