Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
