life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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