Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
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i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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