I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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