We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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