Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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