remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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