i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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