My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
