I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Pants are for mortals
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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