She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
