cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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