I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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