I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
