Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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