Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
