Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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