I wish I could punch you in the face.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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