"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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