Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
