eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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