I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
