Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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