This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
