someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
